For those who care to look, the evidence is there. Tiny footprints in the snow south of Emerson Manitoba, miniature life jackets floating in the tide line in a Newfoundland cove and grim-faced border guards beating the bushes along Zero Avenue. Yes, undocumented Leprechauns are slipping across the border into Canada in ever increasing numbers.
One can only guess at what unimaginable horrors must have driven them to make this perilous journey in the dead of winter, since, as I have written about before, Canada itself is a somewhat hostile environment for wee forest folk, as they lack even the most basic of human rights in this country. They can’t vote, can be subjected to search without a warrant, or even detention without trial, have no status to bring an action in our court system, can’t marry or divorce or even stand in line for free healthcare. Having staggered across the border, there is no sense in them surrendering to CBSA since, they cannot even process a refugee claim. They will remain permanently undocumented, and stateless for all time.
The plight of the Leprechaun isn’t isolated to Canada, as their mistreatment is planet wide. Indeed, Leprechauns aren’t even mentioned in the United Nation’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It is a travesty.
We must do better.
Let us give heed to the words of Pope John Paul II, who reminded us that “A society will be judged on the basis of how it treats its weakest members” and begin doing right by our forest folk. Even the smallest of steps would be a start.
Civil rights for forest folk
We might begin by simply designating places of sanctuary for them. We are, after all, a practically empty country with enormous forests. Surely we can spare some woodland glades for the forest folk? Then, from a place of safety we could begin to incorporate them into the fabric of Canadian life. Get them low paying jobs at McDonald’s and Tim Horton’s, teach them to sweep floors and clean toilets so they can work as janitors. Document them sufficiently to obtain a driver’s licence so they can find work driving cabs.
Next we can sign them up for health care. They shouldn’t be a burden, since they lead a healthy outdoor lifestyle (although the pipe smoking would have to go), and eat a plant-based diet. I’ve never even heard of a sick Leprechaun, have you?
Lastly, we should take cautious steps towards giving them the vote (while remembering all the trouble we created when we last extended the franchise!) Perhaps, on a probationary basis, we could start by giving them only a half vote, with the rationale that Leprechauns are reputed to be only half as large as humans. We could call this ‘proportional representation’.
Sanctuary city Pitt Meadows
Once integrated into Canadian society they will doubtless want to forsake their woodland glades for proper urban ghettos, so at that stage we will need to consider the creation of actual sanctuary cities for them, and this will require some co-operation from our civic politicians, to bring forth the enabling legislation.
As avid readers will know, we are partnered up with John Becker, the Mayor of Pitt Meadows, and so there are occasional, fleeting sightings of him in the office. On one such rare occasion recently I buttonholed him to pitch my idea of making Pitt Meadows not only Canada’s, but the world’s very first Sanctuary City for Leprechauns, but barely had I began my pitch when the oddest expression came over his face, and he bolted, muttering about being late for a council meeting.
Well, perhaps it won’t be Pitt Meadows, but some municipality somewhere must step forward as a sanctuary. The weather is getting warmer, and the green tide of Leprechauns washing over the border can only increase. So I am calling on our readers to take action. Phone, fax or email your local mayor and council, and make some noise! Demand that they take action, and do the right thing by declaring your municipality a Sanctuary City for Leprechauns
Why? Because it is 2017, dammit!
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